you wouldn't even come home last night... Dead to me
So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?
maybe you should start leaving anonymous bottles of booze on his doorstep with love notes attatched. that always gets me.
my sombrero is too big for the bathroom
How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
I almost lit my balls on fire tonight.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
She was grinding on him and then she was eating a Big Mac. Who the hell brings a Big Mac to the club?
We fucked on a kid's slide, my vagina is singing praises of being used
Actually just remembered that solo cup full of scotch that random guy gave me for not farting on him. That's probably why
My roommates don't agree with the whole tv in the bathroom idea. Fucking barbarians.
Vocabulary what?!? Shakespeare is my bitch.
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