I seriously can't date anymore I forgot how to hide my crazy
I'm not saying he's gay. Just that he prob knows what a dick tastes like
I don't know where I am but there are firefighters
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
Just suggested things for my dad to get my mom for Christmas in terms of "yeah you'll get laid."
If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina
I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.
It is no longer St. Patrick's Day. I should NOT still have green boobs!
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
Just delivered a pizza to a holiday inn and a delivery driver from Me n Ed's walked up at the same time, we both were going to the same floor so we stood in the elevator making small talk about delivery stuff, but a small part of me wanted to deck him, stand over him and shout,"FOR THE HUT MOTHERFUCKER, FOR THE HUT!"
Jesus christ, don't start a pizza delivery gang war.
We got to his house, cuddled while watching game of thrones, then fucked during the repeat airing.
Literally had sex in his grow room under a plant.. ganja queen .
Is it weird that I have your number saved in my phone as baby Jesus?
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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