my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
that shirt you're wearing that says "officially single" makes me think you'll be that way for a really long fucking time.
I'll be waiting for you under the stairs with peanut butter and tequila ... Don't tell the neighbors
i just threw up a quarter into the urinal in the bathroom at the bar. everybody else stared then cheered. that drunk
I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.
OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?
Downside to Halloween: you can't tell if the guy dressed as Gene Simmons from KISS that keeps flirting with you is hot or not...I decided to err on the side of caution and assume not...
Was so drunk I had to masturbate face up cuz I thought I was gonna be suffocated by the pillows.
One minute we were ordering sandwhiches. The next hes peeing in a trash can yelling at kids about how tv made him this way
she came into my car to rip lines with our blow dealer as I was writing my essay on anti drug policy, i call it on site research
Slept with the roommate last night and also discovered that she believes in eugenics. I may need to slow down my drinking
My vape juice got mixed up with the astroglide.
Wow..I bet that tasted bad.
Not tasted.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Beer Olympics must happen in honor of the legit Olympics.
will you help me invent vagina-safe pop rocks?
Randomize
