new low, i just stole money from my 5 year old sister to buy condoms
literally have a bruise on my forehead from being over the toilet all night.
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
5am is far to early to be on jagerbomb number 6 right now
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
Who knew drunk me could climb a 17 story building for apple juice and sex
i'd say i'm about at weeping-uncontrollably-in-a-puddle-of-my-own-tears-and-urine level
I don't give a shit if she's homeless, if you're gunna live outside el pollo loco and act like a bitch I'm squirting you with my water bottle
The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex
She said she's different now I guess anytime you get a bible tatt it automatically cancels out all the whoring you did for 10 years
I've really become a household name at this fraternity. Mother would be so proud.
THE AUSTRALIAN IS SINGLE AS FUCK.
I legitimately thought he died. I even called his mom at 3am and told her. Im done with vodka.
You still owe me one bodily function mess clean up.
You pee on the floor one time and you never hear the end of it...
The waitress at the Denny's in usa remembered me from 2 years ago when we went at 4 in the morning plastered, wearing overalls and huge inflatable corona hats on our heads
Randomize