I'll have you know...trying to masturbate while a song about jesus is stuck in your head is next to impossible
i love that when i tell my kids and grandkids about how we first met it will be about this little thing called a "poke" on facebook
girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week
One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.
By 8 I mean 9.
And by 9 I mean 10.
He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay
I ended up with bruises on the back of my knees. Tell me again how I did this?
So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?
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I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
Does it qualify as sexting if you're both pretending to be fictional characters?
I'm not sure whether to be proud of you or weirded out.
I like the fact that you've for some reason taken my penis into protective custody
So I sent him a snap of me half naked holding a pie last night.
He asked me if I want to play Uber Driver, is this some new sex game or is he drunk and asking for a ride home?
Sooo I ended up ugly crying at the drive thru window at 10 pm last night....how was your valentine's day?
Well what did you order
Just remembered sticking my head out the window as i drove us to walmart and yelling that i was a golden retriever.
Also, sorry for verbally assaulting you when you asked if you could dump the bowl.
It was only a blow job in his car. It's the same as giving a friend a back rub.
Randomize
