my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.
stumbled upon a picture of an owl staring me in the face. i almost offered him a bong hit.
It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Felt like shit, jerked off, felt ten times better. Being a guy rules. It's like I got all the demons out in 5 minutes.
Hit a new low. I'm FB stalking him while he is lying in bed sleeping naked next to me. He fell asleep with FB still open and unlocked on his iPad.
He did a line of coke off my stomach then flipped me over and smacked my ass. Then, while he was talking dirty to me, he told me he wanted to hire someone to clean my room. And that's when he lost his boner. Life is so hard.
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
I apparently ooze single. The second I left his house after break up sex five of my old booty calls text me
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
We made a blanket fort in my dorm room and fucked in it. Twice. I'm in love.
Randomize
