So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"
My mom just drunkenly told me i was conceived in the back of a car, at a Bon Jovi concert.
You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.
Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?
We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.
LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.
I worry about you sometimes...
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I imagine it like the scene in Sorceror's Stone, but instead of flying keys, it's flying dicks.
That is a dream.
Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"
He just started dry humping the air... I'm done
A guy from tinder a while ago who sent me dick pics straight out the gate is a tech on my dad's hospital floor. I was wondering why he looked familiar and why he never took my dads vitals when I was in the room
My sister just poured me a dbl Ciroc on the rocks and said "the ice makes it festive." Honestly what a role model.
I accidentally sent my mom a nude picture of my ass... she replied with how did you get that angle ?
Turns out naked yoga wasn't a pickup line. I feel betrayed.
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