i dont nkow, theres a guy slesping next to me and im wearing 8 tsthirts? wtf happened last night? will you come get me.
i think im in thre room next to you
I just realized I had sex more when i looked like a fat elton john. Fuck my life.
He kept starring at my ass and repeating "Its Just a beautiful piece of artwork."
i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met
thanks it was an honor just to be nominated
He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.
Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .
I'm pretty sure that when my parents bought me those savings bonds they thought it would go towards something useful like tuition. Not your bail.
I told you I'd buy you lunch.
Wonderful brian is stoned out of his mind, floating in a lawn chair in the hot tub eating a giant plate of macaroni and staring at the moon
Don't even start with me. You know damn well if you walked into a bathroom with two girls naked in the shower you would stay too. Regardless how drunk I was or whether or not you were my ride.
Only Tommy would bring a stripper pole to a bonfire
It's pizza for people who hate themselves. I rang the place up once i'd finished and told them if i was on death row it would be my last meal because by the time i'd got half way through it I would be begging to die.
But then I ordered two more because it was 2-4-1 and my life is a mess
My lighter is stuck in my beard.
You have a husband. I have a bag full of electronics. This, is the single life.
We didn't have a place to have sex. So we timed the automatic car wash & spent $9 for 3 minutes and 45 secs of car sex.
Randomize
