So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?
I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.
Covered in gravy. Never pour gravy while drinking.
The blackout version of me left a ransom note to the sober self. Somebody needs to control that guy
I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face
Letting two friends screw at my place in exchange for weed. This is my life.
Got laid last night using the intro line of "rate your hurricane evacuation plan on a scale of 1-10"
Quick I need a sexy way to say "suck your balls"
I forgot wine drunk hurts
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
You lost to your mom AND grandma in beer pong last night. pretty sure that constitutes a retirement from the sport
Randomize
