My mom was talking about how protein is essential to strong bones and then I told her, I'll give you protein.
How unfortunate for your Mom.
Just kissed her with a dip in my mouth... She was either too drunk to notice or too cool to care
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.
Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...
It's blow job season.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
How many other adults do you think have slept naked under the Winnie the Pooh blanket sober?
Never let him bartend when he's tripping. He sprinkled a ton of mexican shredded cheese over a jack and coke and called in a Monterey Jack Daniels.
I'm 99% sure I just puked glitter. Wine drunk Mondays shouldn't be a thing.
Sorry for face planting onto the table with all our alcohol on it
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
Wtf can everyone stop fucking in my grandma's bed? This is like the third time
Randomize
