I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
so now that im really awake i see that my underwear are completely ripped down the side, my shorts are on backwards, i have to go get plan b....i call last night an epic fail or success depending on how catholic i am feeling
I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else
If we're like this now and women reach their sexual peak in their 30's, I can't even fathom what our futures hold.
winnie the pooh came out of nowhere and offered me a burrito...it was a fucking amazing burrito.
I DO NOT KNOW WHO SHE IS, WE HAVE NO MORE FRUIT, SHE CAN'T STAY HERE.
Dude, he threw a pool chair off of an 8 story building. It was a successful night I'd say.
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
My penis is saying yes, several less important organs are saying noo...
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
Did you leave ur panties in the sink?
Kitchen or bathroom?
I achieved the level of drunk I wanted even with the length of dress I was in..
Night one million where I have madri gra beads around my neck and no justifiable reason for where they came from
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
Sunburned by dick at the nude beach. Bad. She tried to blow me. But. I. Just. Can't. Saddest day of my life.
Randomize
