Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
I wish we knew morse code and could knock to each other through the wall
my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.
Sometimes the gods of alcohol choose to take you on a mysterious journey and you just have to go with it
I told him about the time I blacked out and shit myself and he still wanted to have sex with me that night. Feeling pretty optimistic about where this fling is going.
I make him buy me all the extremely expensive high end Mac cosmetics I desire. Wear it then let him cum on my face. I am fucking glamorous.
I didn't want sex last night, but she charmed my dick out of my pants like a snake charmer.
Don't tell him that you hope he dies in a boring missionary position with his wife. That doesn't go over well.
just threw up in a gas staton parking lot in front of a father and son. stared them in the eyes and finished like a boss
Excuse me. I’m a mature responsible adult.
You got your arm stuck in a vending machine trying to get fruit snacks.
I had a cast on my hand and if I paid for my fruit snacks, I’m getting my fruit snacks.
Randomize
