I'm home alone watching The Hills seasons, eating pickles and drinking straight rye. I just googled "how to make friends". Probably not the most pro-active solution. Help.
He got mauled by a 200lb cement boulder and all he could say in the back of the ambulance is 'I'm so getting laid for this'
you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.
Why are there chunks of your hair in everyones pocket?
I decided to mark my territory.
Pretty sure I recall hugging our waiter from the bar last night. That also means we are NEVER going there again
My costume for the end of the world party was a success. Everyone in the ER thought I was there because I got hit by a car when it was actually from alcohol poisoning.
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
Is "head down ass up" an appropriate way to say good morning?
Nautical themed porn is also great bc someone usually wears a captains hat
You got this. You survived the RA last semester (granted you almost got arrested but still.)
Do u ever find yourself high af, watching American ninja warrior and crying at the athletes stories?
I know how to kill a man with nutmeg and a sword. You in?
Or nah
You followed me up the stairs while i was throwing up yelling "projectile! projectile! projectile!"
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
According to the office gossip the new secretary is “a homewrecking whore”. Think I should spend $27 on a fake wedding ring?
Yes! Want that picture of you and my nephew?
Randomize