Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.
im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.
that was a mass text, wasnt it?
I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.
sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.
She looked at me and said "i like penises." and then passed out with her condom balloon animal in her hands.
She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.
TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG
HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS
I can't help that I bring out the sex in people
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
I spent last night dying strippers pubes green and landscaping shamrocks. That is why hands look like I squashed a leprechaun.
We have GOT to stop getting stoned and going out for expensive dinners.
Hey when you get home, can you do me a solid and throw one of your pregnancy tests on my bed?
EPT or First Response?
i ate pretzels. i might be the first human to be hospitalized from pretzels. that's how bad this is.
Randomize
