I'm going to shit on something weird... I can't wait
i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"
Good seeing you too. Don't worry, you didn't miss out on too much last night. We went to a place where there was supposed to be a wet t-shirt contest, but it was more like two ugly girls dancing around on stage in white shirts. Everyone just wanted them to leave so the band could keep playing
my phone vibrated itself into my puke bucket and literally sizzled. you'll have to reach me at this number for a while.
I couldnt decide if i wanted to pee first or vomit. So i Peed sideways while throwing up into the tub.
its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn
If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.
Dont eat ANYTHING off the floor at Matt's house. He likes floor sex.
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Are the transvestites working the counter tonight? Last time I was there they gave me love advice.
It's all fun and games until you have to pay the bar tab.
Can I pee and smoke my bong at the same time or is that like eating on the toilet
It all started with a game of naked twister.
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Randomize
