why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.
I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.
Just found out drinking 6 trays of random shots makes me wake up on a club toilet with my underwear and jeans around my ankles
If 26 stitches didn't sober her up, nothing will.
He filled four shots of Everclear and walked around saying "FREE VODKA SHOTS". he is to blame.
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
So, the officer that worked my wreck, I'm rockin his world tonight. He saw me high on morphine in the ER. So he knows my level of crazy. Think he'll agree to wear his gun?
So many things can go wrong tonight.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
Just saw the ex while I was at CVS at 3am buying Depends for my heavy flow
my new years resolution to eat more toast and mastrubate more often is going well so far.
What?? I could've slept with an ordained minister!
holy f. i broke my toe giving him head. how does that even happen!?
I just saw a guy faceplant off a unicycle while holding a saxophone, while his buddy riding another unicycle and sporting a flute rode by laughing
Only at UConn...
It's bullshittery. It's asshattery. It's complete fuckery at its finest.
Randomize
