I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.
Shittttttt.
Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.
he had a dikembe mutombo jersey on, was swatting peoples drinks out of their hand and wagging his finger in their face everytime he did it.
I mean, I know going to rehab probably didn't make her a lesbian, but I can always hope
a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds
Can't decide if I want to watch full house or the fleet wood Mac concert during the presidential debate.
the whole bar just wished me luck with my booty call tonight
No fucking judgements. You know me. Chinese food vent sessions are safe places.
I think i was just meant to be a stripper. A ballerina stripper cat
Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard
Pass or fail tho
There is a 97.5% chance that my sketchy roommate is also a hooker.
So when can I meet her?
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
I am going to MURDER whoever gave him my phone number but it was probably drunk me so I'm conflicted.
I'm literally the definition of crunk, sunburnt, and dehydrated. I'm going to die tomorrow.
I remember 2 things. 1. Hanging through the window. 2. And she needing a bucket to puke in. That’s all. I have no other memory.
Those brownies did us in. I honestly blacked out completely.
What brownies? Ohmygod.
Randomize
