i'm just going to get a pitcher of margarita. sober up by 10. and then do my accounting project
dude, it should not be this hard to find a bottomless mimosa on a friday morning
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
How drunk is "too drunk" for candlelight service?
I've been smoking weed using candles all week and I just found a lighter. This may truly be the happiest moment of my life. It's embarrassing how excited I got
He wore pink swim trunks on our date and repeatedly insulted my profession, but his cat kept standing up like a person to nuzzle my face and I felt like a Disney Princess. I hate this dude, but the cat is too amazing for me to not fake interest for.
I love you. Go after that dick
Jesus Christ, it's not like going swimming. You don't have to wait 20 minutes after you eat to suck a dick
Speaking of which.. there's underwear in my backseat and Arby's cheese sauce on my door handle. So much for my new Volvo bringing out my classy side.
dude wtf why are there forks in my wall
does "I AM MAGNETOOOO" ring any bells, because that was you for an entire hour last night
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
The same idiot-bubble, now just bigger and louder.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
