She has a concussion we think. Dancing to barbie girl.
sorry about calling you the devil all night.
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later
After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.
Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night
My neighbor just watched me eat a granola bar without pants, this is a whole new level of unemployed
Just spent 15 minutes trying to save the life of a fruit fly that dive-bombed my coffee. I figured it doesn't make sense to let two souls die in this place...
its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.
My bathroom smells like artichokes and absinthe. I am naming a perfume after you and using the money to buy new towels.
Why is your solution always to masturbate
Because it usually works
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
You tried to lick the lightbulb and fell off of the chair onto my wife and gave her a concussion. Did i mention you were naked?
He lit my hand on fire and bought me chicken nuggets. I'm in love.
condom fairy costume came in handy...we were making out in my living room and he wanted it so i took a condom off the costume and we did it right there...with my tutu still on....
Randomize
