Your date looks like the Cloverfield monster. good luck.
So. Did i wake up at 430, try to drive home, stop to throw up at a shell, and try to clean out my car and drop my keys in a full dumpster? Yes.
I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways
it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.
THE MIME IS MIMING TO BUST A MOVE KARAOKE. ALL MIME-RELATED EVENTS DESERVE CAPS LOCK
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
Just so you know, this text is a buffer between the two guys I'm sexting. Can't get that shit messed up.
The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.
Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.
Serious question: when you had my right nipple in your mouth, did my nipple ring have both of the balls on it, or was it missing one. Current situation: missing one.
The water at the venue tasted HORRIBLE so I just kept drinking booze. It was like the medievals.
WHAT THE FUCK KIND OF NINTENDO FILLED GLORIOUS ENCHANTING FANTASY LAND ARE YOU IN?! DUDE DID YOU MOVE TO THE 90S?!?!?!
before i could order beers she was on stage 69ing with a stripper
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
i think i'm just going to start having sex with his brother, he's much hotter and it would definately be less illegal.
Randomize
