I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.
All these guys look like the American Apparel version of Jesus...
Omg. It looks like a crack pipe exploded in your mouth.
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife
My tits sealed my fate
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
I just hooked up with the same bartender my dad cheated on my mom with in the 90s. Not sure how this makes me feel.
family traditions my good sir
At this point, I'd date an ax murderer. So long as he doesn't cry all the time, have ED, or leave me with his unspayed cat. My list of requirements is becoming increasingly specific.
So i walked around campus drunk and alone last night eating pizza and a lunchable from 7-11. Sat by the flag pole and drank an entire liter of water, took off my shoes to prance around in the fountain, then stepped in dog shit on the way home...barefoot.
Never thought I'd say this, but getting head from a skeleton was better than I thought. Happy Halloween
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
I will pepper spray him so fast I don't even care
I'm rolling and just noticed that the thread count on these sheets is horrendous.
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I have two bottles of emergency tequila stashed under my desk at work.
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