I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
one word: firstdatebathroomanal
her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I just got hit on by my highschool french teacher. I need to stop going to this bar.
I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.
Well I pulled a muscle in my leg dancing in the tanning booth drunk at 1 pm soooo there's that
People are yelling about how much they want you here.
I'm going to change, vomit up my mexican food to save the trouble later, and then come meet you. Thrilled.
I don't think it's considwred fine dining when you're passing out at golden palace in chinatown at 4 am with you boss who happens to be wearing a dress.
The only thing stopping me from having sex with you in my parents jacuzzi bathtub is the knowledge that they've already had that idea themselves
Last night's dream consisted of you, me, a sauce pan full of cocaine and light sabers. I almost cried when I woke up.
We need to get fucked up again and play games like "save the tequila but dodge the knife"
If you're with any of them tell them i apologize for (insert whatever i did here)
Someone made a mask out of a crown royal bag. Can't decide if tacky or awesome.
Randomize
