Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop
drinking steel reserve before noon and watching the price is right... 211... bet i pass out before then.
that sweater is a total boner killer. you might as well be wearing a wedding dress.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST
I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!
I'm relatively certain my chiropractor just judged me for admitting that my back is misaligned from the sex we had last night...
If he breaks up with me, your job is to keep me drunk and make sure I don't sleep with anyone. Ok?
She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
I don't know, I kept pretending that I was riding an elephant during. It was actually really fun, but you can't tell him that!
In my opinion the party was fun, but i did A LOT of cocaine so my view was a little distorted......
Fuck that guy and his dumb haircut and awesome dick
No? The only contact I've had with him for months was when I drunk texted him from Costa Rica to say that all jazz sounds the same
I have put on lipstick and signed up for class. Nothing more shall be expected of me today.
Dude, I just feel great. I love life so much and I love you. Love. Love. So much love.
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