Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
I just found a bagel and a condom in my coat pocket. I love blackouts
just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!
YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS
I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.
I bought an american flag today and by god im gonna fuck someone on it
So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?
I think I'd be more bothered by his cross dressing if I wasn't secretly into women..,
you can't let guys come on your chest and then hog my blanket
At first I was nervous, then drunk me thought: What other chance will you realistically have to fuck a British guy?
Open the door and I will lure them out to freedom with viagra and candy orange slices. You know they love that shit.
So I got cockblocked by our relationship status last night
If everyone felt the happiness from apple crown royal we would be in a better place
Woke up way too warm in the middle of a spooning sandwich. Was working up a rant about still not wanting a threesome. Then I realized the littlest spoon was the dog. Might need to break up anyway.
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