Brandy, I need a picture of your boobs. Not time to explain.
I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed
She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"
He handled me like a finger puppet on crack... Time to ice the vagina, I'd like to sit down sometime today.
Blonde girl lying face-down, passed out next to my bed, walls are covered in guacamole. College is looking excellent.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
What I thought was my travel sanitizer was actually my travel lube. Most awkward transit ride of all time!
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Regardless of how one feels after a break up, whiskey must be consumed.
im bringing home some absinth and some holy water. one way or another things are going to get spiritual.
my very deepest apologies for the unintentional cock block.
They think I'm one of them. I'm about to get drunk in a Santa suit and bust down the door singing Christmas carols.
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Randomize
