Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
I am dripping wet and slathered in glitter and banana mush. I love gay guys.
we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.
It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.
A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.
It's like the last supper of drinking before the summer ends
As an added bonus, you will have a "25 blowjobs a month" voucher, expiring thirty days after the first initial bj.
Synchronized big wheels back flips off the second floor roof. Good idea or great idea?
I'm sitting on my couch eating a bag of marshmallows and watching someone run bare ass down the street. What has happened to my life?
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
I bought the restaurant a boat airhorn to wake up sleeping employees.
I love you
Since I won't be making love with anyone on a bed of roses this year on Sunday I bought a Mustang to fill the gap
I just swiped right for a guy on Tinder solely because it looked like he was holding Zoboomafoo
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I may have just got motorboated by a male stripper who told me I should be a porn star and not a vet student.
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