First thing she said after sex was.. are you baptised by chance?
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.
By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I won't go into too much detail about this but you should probably wash your sheets. In bleach. Or just burn them. Thanks for letting me sleep in your bed bro. Enjoy scotland.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
So, in keeping with the last two years, are we going to watch the new Hobbit movie on acid again? It's kinda starting to feel like a Christmas tradition.
You've slept with someone mentioned in the NY Times, that officially makes you the most famous person I know.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
there's crying, and people are upset, and there's a love triangle, and a broken heart, and so much estrogen
Because, after all, nothing quite says life in 2020 than doing laundry at 9:40 on a Friday morning to make sure you have masks and underwear.
Just so we're clear, drunk and naked is not appropriate attire for Thanksgiving. Do it this year and Grandma will ban you for life.
Randomize