Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day
no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."
he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes
where's my purse there's an important taco in it
The worst decision I made last night was allowing myself to be duct taped to the ceiling
BoomCity!!!
You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.
stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick
I asked him if we could switch positions so I could watch the Olympics... I'd say date number two is a miss
I think I should just be a madame. Fuck it.
I'm just gonna post fliers on telephone poles like, "who wantsta be a hooooooe?!"
Had sex on the beach last night with a drug dealer. win-win-win situation
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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