Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.
A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"
Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...
we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.
I pretty much just threw a bunch of clothes and my vodka in a bag..idk where I'm gonna end up tonight but I'm prepared.
I was really stoned haha. I had sex with her while I cooked scrambled eggs.
You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
This morning confirmed it...there's no maybe about it. She definitely wasn't born with it. It was definitely the Maybelline.
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
got a free grilled cheese. Didn't even have to talk about Jesus
I like your optimism Chelsea but I'm not about getting my salad tossed
Probably should start having regular sex again too to lose this breakup weight. Good cardio.
I need to start journaling my drunk thoughts. Drunk me is fucking brilliant & sober me is missing out.
Haha i really think theres no better way to tell a paramedic sorry for breaking your nose than a beautiful and healthy edible arrangement...
Randomize
