You are an awful beat friend I am goin to die in a car accident and then my corpse is going to be used by criminals ala weekend at bernies to rob a bank then my corpse will go to jail Thanks john Thanks for nuthin
went to the bathroom to piss, saw puke in the toilet thought wtf i dont remember puking, then turned around to find a chick i've never seen before passed out in my shower.
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
And then he asked the cop "shall i shut off the lady gaga?" as he was being frisked.
we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.
He just found another high guy at wal-mart. There now friends. His friend is eating a cupcake
Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.
It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Dude. Steinbecking. It's when you double-fist coffee and alcohol to help you meet a writing deadline.
He awkwardly handed me plan b on Pickens Street... it was like a sketchy drug deal.
But did u die
I found an onion in my purse
They say find what you're good at... Evidently that's showing up late for everything, drinking, and eating cheese for me.
Dude, I'm sorry if you saw me getting head in my truck last night. My bad.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
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