We almost didn't get a second pitcher, but now we're getting a sixth.
I just spit my fake tooth out at a customer. I think he thought it was my bubble gum though so it's ok.
He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.
you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
Liver, I have supported you for 18 fucking years. Pull your weight for ONE NIGHT and detoxify this alcohol.
He should be castrated
Nah he might accidentally come while they're cutting it off. Wouldn't be fair to the surgeons
I think these people may actually be nudists. You know it's bad when I feel uncomfortable.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....
I hate how much more visible my vomit is on snow, I need a winter vomit bush
And I had on a penis ring on the whole time at dinner. And I ate veal...
I'm eating a block of cheese like its a sandwich in the tsa line
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
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