it must be christmas time, i've got a hankering to give a virgin a baby....
How's your Sunday morning ritual of shitting and throwing up at the same time going?
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I'm so hungover. I just keep eating the otter pops I'm trying to use to get rid of my hickies.
A dude I dated in high school just put a status about National Coming Out day. I checked his relationship status. He is dating a dude. Hello, Friday.
After we won I just ran all over campus for a couple hours. Then made out with a guy on a bench
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Spoiler alert: my plans for Halloween are going to make our dealer's birthday look like a bunch of mormon ladies having a scrapbooking circle
You burped in your shoe and whispered 'you're mine now'
I can't really feel a difference, so essentially I paid 60 bucks to bedazzle my vag.
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