Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
a commercial for my antidepressant came on and they said you shouldn't take if if you drink right as i took a shot
god is laughing at you again
well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can
You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.
i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey
he just asked me for a tag team. like at least let me get changed out of your roommates clothes from last night first...
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
Hey. I can't work your space dryer so I'm wearing your blanket home. I'll get my clothes later. Fun party!
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
I'm sitting on the toilet eating a Chick-Fil-A breakfast sandwich. How's your Monday?
we should start a freak-out-the-cashier-contest. I just bought JerseyShore Season2, red high heels, and nipple soothing pads
We were getting breakfast he shit himself in the middle of ihop. Mid bite he just yells out o fuck.
First time a guy goes down on me and his dog had its head on my knee the whole time. I swear it was judging me.
aloe plants are like gummy bears with an exoskeleton, but with healing powers instead of deliciousness.
are you on the drugs???
I've been in town for almost 36 hrs and I haven't made out with a stranger yet - I consider THAT a record!
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