Di me a solid and hit me with your car.
all i remember thinking as i was puking my intestines out is : wow.. this toilet does look like it's from the future.
I remember why I come home for the holidays. Sam Adams is the cheapest beer in the fridge
Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.
this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.
I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
90% sure you snuck in there somewhere, all I really remember is big boobs in my face so I'm assuming it was you.
22 is way too old to still be having "thank god I think I'm getting my period" days
So why exactly are your shoes in my freezer?
I wish I could open myself up and check on my liver. Make sure it's hanging on. Ya know?
Went to my bottom drawer for my stash , gone just a note says thanks sucker love dad
Facebook just reminded me of the time I found two IHop cheese sticks in my hand bag. Those were the days.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
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