even if everyone didnt know them screaming eskimo brothers and high fiveing over my head kinda gave it away
i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it
the suitcase or the dildo?
not my fault hes the one that tried to cuddle after. said he wanted to spoon away the shame.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
ok is that genuinely the first four bars of mozart's symphony #40 sharpied onto my arm or
Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.
Just got shoved by an Elvis impersonator. Evidently it isn't cool to ask how much of a disappointment they are in the eyes of their parents.
I'm so drunk. Liken realign drink
Like really drunk?
Or did you enjoy repositioning your drink?
I'm just going to have crazy good sex with him until one of us developed feelings that works in the movies right?
I've already come to terms that I'm gonna have to bone a few gross librarians, but hey, it's college
How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?
I was figuring I'd break up with her after work, but before Taco Tuesday
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
Bad news man, we're gonna have to reschedule Golden Coral: The Musical
I don't know who the fuck this is, but right on man
It's OK, I woke up in a drag queen's bed last weekend. It took me forever to get the glitter out of my cleavage.
Randomize
