You know you have a problem when the only thing that saves you is that you drank so late into the night that you sleep through the designated walk of shame time window
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Next guy we share better have a little more dignity than that
After 3 dates I think I'm failing at painting the "sweet guy with a future" picture and more painting the "this is the guy to call when you've run out of options and want to get fucked in half drunk to forget about it" picture.
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
We woke up today with 24 donuts, a tie, two jugs of vodka that we traded an extra sandwich for, and a british boy
Do not tell me I cant do drunk math ever again, AND I made a creative way of telling him I want him to fuck me.
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
Dude I'm pretty sure everyone in my office knows I fucked our boss...can I ask for anything better?
Randomize
