I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.
I just caught myself dancing like an old lady in the shower. Have I reached the age where booty dancing stops and swaying of the upper body begins?
sorry i walked in and ruined it, but i had to laugh she looked like a pile of bologna the way you had her pinned up on the wall
I have come to the conclusion that if you don't fulfill your life ambitions you should go into porn
It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.
I figured out plans for New Year's and by figuring out I mean I've got a sugar bowl of cocaine. Start at 10?
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Made eye contact with a friendly neighborhood dog walker while violently puking out the window. How's your Wednesday going?
Liar. My heart is broken and my boobs are disappointed.
It was one of those mornings when I wake up and feel like I have to say sorry to the whole world
Good news! Blood’s flowing!
Can you please bring the nipple sombrero up?
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