His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
a strip club that doesn't allow touching or asking for sex... whats the point?
unless her vagina can tell me my horoscope in sign language, I'm not going.
great, thanks for announcing that I gave you head over twitter
at least I said it was good
i dont even know how to be here
Just asked my dog if he was proud of me for making it home. That drunk.
I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!
81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?
I've been laying here all day wondering why my back hurt so bad and then I remembered last night.... When you pushed me through that glass table.
My roommate is either deadlifting a bus or having sex. I can't tell which
I shit you not ... they just advertised a recruiting service for strippers at this concert.
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
You can laugh all you want but 99 grapes is a lot stronger than what you were drinking.
Don't be surprised if I hand out mini dildos on Halloween
I was going to be upset with you on moral grounds but then i realized free chocolate was involved
Come camping we have xanax and steaks
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