I need help removing her.
WHO ATE OUR COOKIES WHAT THE FUCK THOSE WERE GOURMET
why do cheetos always look like penises
It's not normal to lose a tooth eating a McDouble.
My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
A dude just looked at me like my drunk swaying was corrupting his progeny DUDE YOUR KID HAS A MULLET YOU'VE ALREADY RUINED HIM
I wish I got like a congrats basket for being a responsible sexually active member of society complete with condoms, tissues and lollipops.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
Responsible things to do when you're too hungover to get out of bed: Breast self exam.
I drank Dr. Pepper and instant breakfast mix together and threw up sober for the first time.
Randomize
