I sat down with you and helped you write your will last night. I was THAT convinced that you weren't waking up.
I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.
It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.
I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
by the time the kitchen caught on fire everyone was too drunk to be alarmed. the host just poured beer on it to put it out. how was yours?
So the bump is from hitting my head in an elevator. Apparently I dived into a cab head first too.....
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
dont eat that thats our sex nutella.
If there is a ladylike way to throw up in your favorite toilet, I just did it.
DUDE FUCK CALL ME SHE HAS GRANDKIDS
I pour the whiskey from now on
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Randomize
