She smells like mac and cheese, right after you add the cheese. It's strangely erotic.
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?
Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.
You were riding my three year old's train yelling, 'I think I can, I think I can!!'
I thought I could.
My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.
All I know is you walked out of the kitchen in some kind of French onion dip bra and started passing out individual chips to guys saying " do you dip?"
Talking to her is like watching "Bad Life Choices: The Movie"
I'm either a high functioning alcoholic or I'm making the most of the fact that this is the last year that its socially acceptable to be black-out drunk five days a week.
I'm eating chicken wings naked and hungover at 10am... Happy bday to me
if i had an alexa it would be saying “have sex with guys that don’t care about you”
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