So this text is costing me two dollars because I'm out of the country, but I just wanted to let you know it went well with the stripper last night
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
We got a party bus for the nite. I found out the hard way why stripper poles are meant for girls.
I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.
i was about to cum until he started doing shrek impressions.
I'm not giving my ex her earrings back. If some chick i hated gave me brownies i would still eat them. It's the same thing.
and I believe it was when I was running to class to take a test still drunk in my Halloween costume that I realized I have reached that point in the semester where I just don't give a flying fuck anymore.
Omg having my Grindr go off at the planned parenthood is just not okay
When a guy wants to eat something off you and then comes back with microwaved strudel and custard, back the fuck out. I have apple-chunk burns on my tits.
Have you ever come so hard that right after you have the urge to yell "make me a sandwich!"? ...I think my ovaries turned into testicles.
The oven caught fire. I put it out, but called the fire department just to make sure it was okay since the smoke wasn't going away
You just wanted to meet firemen
Officially the best daughter ever. I just restocked my parents alcohol that I stole last night AND ADDED TO IT
Be there in 20. Want icecream?
sex. I want sex. I like where your heads at though.
How can I prove that I give 401k advice and not handjobs?
Hhhaaa He said Peanutburter disinfect lol. Like peanut butter can disinfect stuff. None of those guys are safe
Randomize
