i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug
So I got my period. Finally. In related news, I reinstated my belief in God.
Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
He's doing the single life. He recently finished like a 3 year relationship. You can't date him.
But I don't want to date him. I just want to look at him. Naked. And in my bed.
Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.
I just had sex on a bear rug. My life is complete.
Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!
All I want is tacobeell and your body
that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.
Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere
Also, in the middle of me riding him, he said "I want you to dance on my dick" like I was supposed to know what that means
Sushi was just eaten off my naked body. I feel like I can die in peace now.
Are you awake? I feel like I need to confess my sins to someone not on this side of the country.
Her tramp stamp said call me maybe. You should have run for the nearest decontamination shower immediately.
Sorry I wasn't opportunistic about sucking your dick in an Uber last night
Randomize
