he just found out the funeral is this morning so i'm wearing last night's clothes and look like a total slut.
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
it's not like this is the first time she's brought a guy home and I'm the one who hooks up with him
So hungover. Walked into room and poached their catering before realized in wrong place. Scowled and ate it anyway
I told you alcohol was flammable, but you didn't believe me until you tried to extinguish your sparkler by submerging it in vodka and the bottle burst into flames.
sometimes it's just necessary to be your own gyno when you're too afraid to tell your mom about your real life
Please tell me you're not playing strip poker with your cousins again
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
He's a 30 yr old man who voluntarily goes by Stevie and his job title is "Jumbotron Operator". There's a 97.5% chance he lives in his mom's basement. STOP THIS NOW!!!
I'm not dealing with this wiskey dick shit, 2016 is the year of hard dicks
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
Beer. Pizza. Seething Rage. I will be full of two of these things tonight. You get to decide which two.
you were walking down the sidewalk and just puked. didnt even stop or slow down and just kept going. i was so impressed i didnt even tell anyone you threw up on passing peoples shoes.
Theres a woman here with grey hair that im pretty sure i would have sex with
You do realize last night you asked me if shampoo had an expiration date then cried for 15 mins when I told you it did
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