More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.
Every time we have sex I can't stop thinking about Jesus
i think i just was awoken by the sound of my roommate choking on her boyfriend's dick
A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.
Where are you and why am I suddenly responsible for your taquitos?
You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.
I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms
Your car is in front of my house. Keys are in the mailbox. There is a fire hydrant in your trunk. Happy Birthday
I'm really high and I'm watching this show where Gordon Ramsay goes to other people's restaurants and just yells at them about things.
i am rolling on molly so fucking hard i want to do 300 cartwheels
But really, someone with a penis give me attention before I start posting nudes on Instagram.
My mother is currently smoking weed with a dying bee so his last moments aren't miserable. And she wonders why I rescued a grasshopper missing a leg.
i'm now remembering the last part of my nigght....ugh. apperently i bargained with the wendys drive up girl after they closed and got "w/e they had left" for $7
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
I just bartered a blowjob for the ex-fiancée's engagement ring. FTW!
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