I just egged your windshield and it froze on contact. Have fun with that.
there is no excuse for him not showing up to my st. patrick's day party. i touch his dick. i get him on the high holidays.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.
You get to be the grown up. Leave a ciabatta by his face.
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
I'm so stoned I just sat here for like at least 45 min thinking about how I would get some jack in the box tacos if only I knew where my wallet was and then I kind of blinked and finally noticed I had literally been staring at my wallet the ENTIRE fucking time
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
I just dropped a condom on the floor at costco in front of my girlfriend and her husband. Today is not going to go well.
He looks like a Mormon from a lifetime movie. Oddly I wanna give him a hand job
After she got off the phone with her mom she sprinted down the block screaming "I'M SO GOOD AT BEING A HUMAN!!!!!!!!!!!!!"
We never leave a bad bitch behind. its a party foul..we'll find you somehow
I came home in someone else's underwear this morning
Atleast you got a souvenir
I have a weird question... did you bite my back last night?
Randomize