Do you know how when animals have surgery they put those cones around their heads so they can't lick their wounds so they can heal? I think someone should invent that for human emotions.
you need to know that there is a kid here wearing an i mosh for Jesus shirt
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am
No no I got the black eyes when I tried to do a flip off the second deck of a pontoon boat. Actually when I did a flip, it was a success.
I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring
There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator
because i know somewhere at some party, behind someones closed bed room door youre being feed a key full of mollie.
I chased him for half a mile, lost him then somehow ended up at his house. Is that still considered stalking? I WAS drunk.
That was a very uncomfortable conversation to have without pants on. But his mom was pretty cool about it.
I had a drinkin contest with a person that didnt exsist, fuck withdrawl day
Hold on are you sure that we dont have another roommate?
Yes.
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
When I woke up I had 6 missed calls making sure I was ok and asking if I remember showing my tits to a picture of her baby.
Randomize
