i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
I bet farrah fawcett is having words with michael jackson in heaven for stealing her thunder
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.
I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.
I think I told some stripper my friend owned Groupon Last night
This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...
Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?
I sent him a bunch of texts telling him that his beard wasn't long enough yet so we couldn't fuck and to text me back in a few hours if it had.
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
I came on her face and asked if she wanted fries with that. Currently driving to McDonald's.
I did something very bad. More specifically, my boss.
I know right. I don't even want to have sex today. I did anyway but that's besides the point.
Randomize
