My brother and I both agreed that your boobs are fake.
You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.
i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life
He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.
just letting you know, you took a hit of the blunt while sleeping. happy birthday
Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL
she has like 12 pairs of underwear people left at her house from the other night
Only he would come to a strip club and talk about an internship with Walt Disney during a lap dance.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
Just want the two of you to know, I went to a golf tournament today. Respectable, expensive… Flipped the golf cart. Seriously, I'm 40. What the fuck?
Should I apologize to him for saying I wanted to punch him in the face as I was digging through the trash?
You know its an epic night when omar the garbage man gives you a ride home at 6 in the morning.
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
Your sister just admitted to being a " much bigger bitch" than you. So you've got that going for you, which is nice.
Tonights mission: get trashed, smoke a bowl on top of the silo, get some dick. Not necessarily in that order.
Randomize
