yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.
do people in england often walk their sheep on leashes? or is this guy the exception to the rule?
That's the last time I try to be adventurous at a gas station
if pee wee herman would have taken a snuggie to the movies he wouldnt have gotten caught
I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
the bar didnt serve shots so jim ordered us jaeger neat. it worked.
He came so hard that he yelled what sounded like a spell from Harry Potter.
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
You're like my little fucked up version of the groundhog seeing its shadow, only it's boobs and warm weather.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
Swiping left on your brother's Tinder account is possibly the worst way to learn he broke up with his girlfriend.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos?
Hahaha wearing a fake moustache in public was the best idea i ever had
Randomize
