Reflecting on last night, I'm not sure if making out with a 43 y/o married woman at Bernie's after the Cubs game was my best life decision...
you were so high you were expressing yourself in action figures
God I'm so bored. I wish I had a baby or something to play with.
And this is exactly why you should NEVER have kids.
Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.
PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.
We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.
I think he's on the stoner protein diet. I just saw him, at 3 am, spreading mayo on a slice of deli ham and sprinkling salt on top.
oh, you know. just sitting in my bed high as fuck wearing a windbreaker and watching british tv.
I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar
Told some guy to hold your weave while you "tried" to kick his girlfriends ass...
He serenaded me a cappella to Ed Sheeran. I wasn't going to leave his dick unsucked.
I keep worrying the police are going to come looking for us.
For which one? Starting a fire on my porch or having sex on my porch?
Its weird to introduce me to his wife and kids on the first date, right?
Stop letting me drink while doing my makeup. I think I used sharpie for eyeliner.
you went over there?
His drunk texts were grammatically perfect. At least our kids will be smart.
Booze, boobs, blunts and batman. dude, I'm livin' the life.
Randomize
