Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?
No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.
SHE JUST SHOVED MY HAND DOWN HER PANTS AT THE BAR
Don't text me with that hand
the repo guy said it was the first time he'd ever started to repo a car with someone fucking inside of it. he might have said 'doing it' instead.
I've heard awesome things about their margaritas. I also may buy a mustache from party city. Would you do me with a mustache on??! Hahahaha. But, really.
YOU CAN'T JUST DO COKE AND THEN CALM DOWN
The roommate asked me to make sure no one fucked in his room. And then preceded to give only me permission to fuck in his room. Had no idea who I was, just thought I was trustworthy cause I had Edward 40 hands. Felt like a Tarantino movie.
Someone came in the potted fern
Pretty sure that propositioning you to fly across the country for sex fest '13 isn't something my husband would approve of.
Next time I try to break into the police station drunk, please stop me.
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
You didn't throw up on me, you threw up on yourself and then tried to give me a hug
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Just used the word fistfucking in a serious conversation with my professor in front of the class, while making an appropriate and valid point. Win.
Just find a separated / divorcing man. They’re too upset to fall in love, too helpless to be alone and too horny to think straight. Smile at him the right way and he’ll be thrilled to be with a sexy younger woman!
Randomize
