Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.
In America we eat man semen.
Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.
That's terrible. At least give it a creative name like muff mobile.
sitting alone on a bench with a sombrero and a bottle of vodka. really angry i got here before you guys.
I can't promise that. They just put an extra shot in my margarita.
Pulled over to puke on the way to sign closing papers on the house...Good sign of responsibility.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I'm drinking on a Thursday because I can
Today is Wednesday you jobless drunk
Nothing like ripping open the box with your keys on a sat R train and throwing back the morning after pill with some coconut water on my way to work at a fitness studio for free
It was all going good until I realized she was wearing underwear with a butt flap. Mission aborted.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
When we sit on the couch watching TV, she always cups her hand around my balls. Not sure if it's a sign of affection or a "power play" to remind me just how vulnerable I am if she chooses to make an aggressive squeeze.
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