would you ever date a girl who drove an 89 Chrysler LeBaron? - for the record it's a convertable
he shaved USA in his pubs
I wish there was a Glade Plug-in for vaginas
well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.
on a scale of 1 to 'no sex' how busy are you this week?
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
The one with glasses said he was keeping my bra. He had me sign it before he left and he said he would be hanging it up in his bunker. I support our troops.
Still not sure if my open-bar-week-long-trip to Cuba is the best idea as a congratulations-for-my-sober-february-challenge. My liver might just explode and give up.
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Starting the day with sex, coffee and productivity are what the founding fathers intended
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I feel like it could help stop wars and begin world peace and the continents can unite for one Monday because chicken fries come back today
I'M IN A SPINNING VORTEX OF SELF-HATRED AND HORNINESS
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Love that I’m sending my uber driver a thank you message for taking me home via mcdonalds tonight before I’m messaging my date from tonight! Lol
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