ready 4 sex 2nite?
wow. woo me matt, woo me.
His stupid grin looks like he's mid-ejaculation
i found out what alaskan girls practice during those six months of darkness
I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.
Sweetie, don't go home with him. You can do so much better. Everyone else at the bar agrees.
Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.
Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.
I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...
Perhaps if I didn't mortify my parents last night with my drunken obnoxious behavior which resulted in the casualty of an entire decorative bathroom shelf which I completely ripped off the wall and left for dead, I would be more than willing to go day drinking.
Would it be crossing a line if I told him that I now know his girlfriend has a huge mole on her left ass cheek?
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
I guess you could say the date didn’t go so well since I was drunkenly Snapchatting with my ex by the end of it.
I just Spray tanned myself while high as fuck its either going to look like a work of art or terrible graffiti
You were sober bartending last night right?
Sorta. I remember you crying, ripping rose petals off the flower stem and slowly sprinkling them behind the bar at me and singing softly
Romantic
Thanks for not letting me choke to death on my vomit last night
Thank you for attempting to organize my DVDs in chronological and alphbetical order
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
