Eric said he heard us having sex the other night. He said i did a great job.
Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep
sorry. that wasn't for you
cat food counts as protein by the way
Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.
just mapquested my walk of shame from saturday..bye bye freshman 15
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
Her virginity is one of the last things that remains of our childhood.
I apparantly wanted to name her baby garbage
I did not get laid last night bc my condoms were too small. I'm allowed to be dreary
Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?
Oh we're gynecologists
Self care is breaking into nasa and launching yourself directly into the fucking void
I keep track of what day of the week it is by my recent destinations on my nav system. \nRight now it's: booty call, bar, booty call, brunch, bar, church so that must mean we are getting close to Sunday when we start the rotation all over again.
They sent him a photo of me smoking a bong whilst wearing the dinosaur head. I think that's the last we hear of his nonsmoking fitness freak ass 🤷🏼♀️
Randomize
