I used a bag of wine as a pillow last night.
just survived the first fart of the relationship.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.
I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.
Siri just reminded me to pickup Plan B
Tequila Tuesdays need to not carry on throughout the week. Having a sad Saturday
I think I freaked him out last night. We got back to my place and I made chicken nuggets, chicken Alfredo, and half of one of those huge oreida hashbrown bags. And then ate all of it
OHMYGOD I LITERALLY JUST FINISHED JERKING OFF AND MY MOM BUSTS IN AND HANDS ME A BABY WHAT THE FUCK IS GOING ON IN MY HOUSE JESUS H CHRIST!
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
I will most likely miss you the least and fondly remember you as Mr. "I need a minute" but really need 24 hours and 4 extra inches.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
my face feels like mints and my body feels like tingles
saying im screwed is like saying the titanic took on a little water.
Randomize
