only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..
the clerk said it was the first time she had ever seen someone walk in the next day to return the tux still wearing the tux
My room should be renamed "Land of the Misfit Condoms."
is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
Judging by what she did last night, I would say at least 4 of them have mono now.
Yeah, it kinda sucks. But it was fun while it lasted. And honestly, his penis is way too big for my life.
Meghan got a job at the bar. We're now morally obligated to drink. Is this what dreams are made of?
She was wearing my robin hood hat from Halloween shouting "steal from the rich and give to the poor, mothafuckaaaaas." We are taking her everywhere.
Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.
painting my nails while super high-drunk. Ended up painting my entire hands. Both.
It's a long story, but I accidentally peed on my dog. I'll tell you about it tomorrow, and we shall never tell my wife.
I'm honestly just saving all my liver's power for when I die this weekend. that's how it works right
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
I look forward to getting really drunk tonight and startling some rando’s mother tomorrow morning while she’s up early making a turkey
It’s a holiday tradition at this point
Randomize
