I just spent twenty minutes with brandons dad explaining why head isnt typically considered sex...can we say awkward?
I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.
Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.
I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.
i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you
Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
Why isn't there a super hero that comes to the aide of really high kids when they kill their car battery?
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
We met some guy at the beach, and dug a hole with him. He invited us to "come back at night and smoke a blunt in this hole"
Btw "you gettin a workout in" isn't a great gym pickup line. Like no I'm fucking grabbing lunch on my way to class.
His pet bird was perched ON HIS DICK.
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
Can’t fucking wait for Tuesday night. Have another situation that popped up. I swear my life is like a cross between a soap opera and a porno
They're doing CPR to someone in the middle of Victoria's Secret. Way to block the undies, damnit!
Randomize
