You're going to have to start masturbating with your left hand. Or with someone's vagina
Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
I got drunk and smashed his tv with the keg and so he blames me for being evicted.
Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.
no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.
Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.
Just saw a hooker eating a pastrami sandwich walking down beach blvd blowing kisses to traffic. My day = made
I feel like we should build an island for girls that have committed atrocious numbers of unforgivable sins. We'll call it 'whore island' after the anchorman fashion.
You can't have your cake and publicly stick your dick in it too
SPICY FOODS AND BLOWJOBS DON'T MIX.
YOU SAID YOU'D TRY ANYTHING ONCE YOU LIAR
I should stop pointing to my vagina when I say "I'm in charge!"
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
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