new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I should do something nice for her. Like sign her up for "What Not To Wear."
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I feel like now would be a good time to apologize for vomiting in your eye
Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore
Also, you peed on your hand last night. Id just like to point that out
So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?
Throwing up in his bed is not a step up in your relationship
When she sees your dick for the first time, tell her it glows blue when orcs are close
I think that thing where I have 2 boyfriends is happening again
The last time I've felt a woman's touch, the twin towers were compromised. You can wait like one week
Promise me you will not let me do anything sexual with or to a mini horse no matter how drunk we get. Ever.
I'm scared to touch anything in this apartment. Even the ceiling.
They are like the regular squirrels and we are flying squirrels
I CAN'T FALL IN LOVE WITH SOMEONE WHO HAS A LISP. I JUST CAN'T.
Randomize
