Its ok relax. i can tell ur gonna start raggin. talk 2 u next week
If he eats mayonnaise, he's not getting laid. End of story.
i feel like i was in a swimming pool of captain and coke and had to drink my way out
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.
marshmallow pipe was a success. so was melon pipe. come try it
Uhm; your sign says 'Welcome to KFC' and for some reason I can't seem to open the door.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
Woman at starbucks on her computer with a garbage bag of popcorn and a bottle of lotion. Where are you coming from?!
I'm running on jager fumes right now. It's like I put diesel in a prius and said fuck it.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
Drunk me just want to text sober me for saving that half rack of ribs I loves you
She just took all of the blankets in the house and threw them in the yard, because 'the grass was cold'..
Dude, you screamed I AM THE WALRUS while giving a statue of Ronald McCdonald a lapdance. You were NOT sober.
Randomize
